between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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