So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
