Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
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Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
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And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sorry I peed on your ottoman