I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
