one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
