I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
