Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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