Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
