Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
