Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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