so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
