his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
