I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
