I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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