I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
