I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
