who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
