I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
