What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Floor bacon is actually really good
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
