goodnight i made you a song goodbye
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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