I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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