So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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