Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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