how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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