I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
