I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
