she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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