I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
