booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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