Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
