Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
