i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
