I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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