you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
