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• (601): View more from Mississippi

  Are you drinking alone?

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  no, i'm watching house

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  That doesn't count.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  wtf, then i'm always alone

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands

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• (615): View more from Tennessee

  Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.

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• (619): View more from California

  on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.

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• (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in

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• (301): View more from Maryland

  Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?

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• (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.

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• (575): View more from New Mexico

  I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.

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• (206): View more from Washington

  "Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

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• (315): View more from New York

  While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects

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• (219): View more from Indiana

  You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.

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• (406): View more from Montana

  I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?

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• (201): View more from New Jersey

  I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass

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• (815): View more from Illinois

  Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.

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• (907): View more from Alaska

  I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights

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