What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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