fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just want to make out with him forever
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
