Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
