I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
