I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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