Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
