I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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