You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
you made out with another girl for some wings
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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