I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i wish my penis had a tongue
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
