Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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