im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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