Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight