i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
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Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.