Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
