How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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