so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
