i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
