i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
vagina is talking i cant
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
