I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
