I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
