dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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