I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
