Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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