We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
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She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
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It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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