the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?